Giving Without Hesitation

I’ve always dreamed of being a major philanthropist.  I have always dreamed of really and truly making a difference in the lives of people who need a helping hand.  But, I grew up with a constant sense of lack.  I grew up thinking that money was gonna disappear.  I grew up thinking I couldn’t afford to give monetarily.  This last year I made a goal to contribute a certain percentage of my income.  I am about mid-year through and have noticed that there is money sitting in the account that I could donate, but that I am hesitating… procrastinating… worried I will need it for something else.  So, I decided to dig into why.  Part of the reason, I tell myself, is that I don’t really know what charities in the area are good.  Which contribute most of my dollar to the actual cause as opposed to the admin costs?  That is a bullshit excuse, because all of this is public record and there is even a website called charity navigator which tells you how many cents on the dollar go to the cause.  So, it was time to go a little deeper.  All along, I’ve known what the real answer is.  Im afraid.  Afraid for all of the reasons above.  I know intellectually that I feel better when I give.  I feel grateful.  Gratitude is freeing.  It really is.  I know intellectually that when you give selflessly, those abundances come back in so many other ways.  I know intellectually that I am still on the wrong frequency, and that maybe I don’t fully trust that these things are true… even though I feel like I think that they are.  Its that money history coming back to bite me again.  So, what is my plan?  How am I going to get past this?  I’m starting a non-profit.  I am going to create an organization that I know is well-run and that is giving back to this community in the way that I envision.  At first, maybe its just me in this thing… but eventually, it will be what I’ve wanted for so long.  It will be what my dreams have been for the last 20 years.  And, that is something to strive for!